Post by organist89 on Mar 15, 2007 19:33:04 GMT -5
So I waltzed on in to Home Depot today, and picked up a copy of the "2007 Fan Guide", which they aptly named "A New Spin on Style".
It's only about thirty pages long, and only printed on magazine paper--so it's nothing like last year's 3-ring-binder behemoth. Maybe its intended as a supplement to that.
Anyhow, some highlights:
On page 3, in the introduction to Hampton Bay's fan line, it says "...these fans have been defining homes for over 20 years.". Um...yeah...my home is defined by my choice of Hampton Bay ceiling fans. Every visitor with good taste agrees. Want some WASP pie, anyone?
On page 5, the "Garrison" is touted as having a "quiet motor". Is that as opposed to the diesel-esque motors installed in all the other fans? Sales tip: don't bash the rest of your product line in the process of selling one model. Same thing applies to page 3, where the prospective buyer is admonished to look for the Quick-Connect logo if he/she desires a "stress-free experience at home".
Also on page 5, we see the "Cabrerra", which (based on all the visual cues) is mounted a grand total of four feet above the floor.
On page 8, we see the "Courtney", which looks astoundingly like a vintage 1970's or 1980's fan.
On page 9, we see the "Ansley", which looks solely like one object: a praying mantis. In white, on page 18, it looks far more like a shrew.
On page 10, there is a box which states: "Hand Carved Wooden Blades--Our craftsmen carve contours and veining into each featherwood blade. Hand-stained finishes accentuate the skilled craftsmanship, adding character to the carved blades.". Woah Nellie! First off, the term "craftsmen" is going to piss off many female types--and those types account for quite a chunk of the market of folks who buy fans like this. Secondly, since when does "craftsmen" invoke the image of a factory stuffed full of fast-paced, tired Chinese folks? And...um...I'm guessing that "hand-carved" and "skilled craftsmanship" are being used loosely here--does pressing the buttons on a computerized router count as hand-carving, if the router cuts contours into the blade? I mean, if your hand hadn't pressed the router's buttons...
On page 12, we see this incomprehensible sentence, which rings of social-pressure implications: "Some of our most popular finishes, these designs are at home with your urban lifestyle."
Also on page 12, we see that Home Depot's brilliant marketing staff has invented a new spelling for plasma lights: fluourescent.
And on page 18, "Visions in Vanilla", we see the "Landmark Plus", which apparently "Operates quietly."...is that as opposed to fans which sound like a water buffalo stampede?
On page 19, we are bamboozled by a bold new grammar move, which feels reminiscent of a double-negative: "Includes exclusive Aero Breeze technology...". Wow! I've never seen someone use conjugations of "inclusive" and "exclusive" as the first two words in a sentence.
And on page 20, we see the "Industrial with Wall Mount Remote", which then goes on to contradict itself by [correctly] saying that it has a wired 4-speed wall control. I'd love to see someone hook up a remote to an industrial fan.
On page 21, they pull a trompe l'oeil by reversing the negative of the "Quick Connect"--not only does the blade pitch suddenly look to be about 30 degrees, the fan looks bass-ackwards.
On page 22, we see the "Gazebo Plus", which "can stand up to the elements thanks to its galvanized steel body and blades". Galvanized steel blades? Really?
Also on page 22, there is the "Carlisle", whose zero-degree-pitch blades appear to be already warped and drooping.
On the bottom of page 23, we see the "Nassau", which comes complete with gravity-defying pullchains. They magically hold themselves up and arc away from the fan, as though an invisible larger light kit is hiding there.
On page 31, we see Hunter's "Archive Original"--in white, with white blades--followed by the description which reads "...you choose whether to install 4 or 5 of the reversible light walnut to light cherry blades".
God I love Home Depot...
It's only about thirty pages long, and only printed on magazine paper--so it's nothing like last year's 3-ring-binder behemoth. Maybe its intended as a supplement to that.
Anyhow, some highlights:
On page 3, in the introduction to Hampton Bay's fan line, it says "...these fans have been defining homes for over 20 years.". Um...yeah...my home is defined by my choice of Hampton Bay ceiling fans. Every visitor with good taste agrees. Want some WASP pie, anyone?
On page 5, the "Garrison" is touted as having a "quiet motor". Is that as opposed to the diesel-esque motors installed in all the other fans? Sales tip: don't bash the rest of your product line in the process of selling one model. Same thing applies to page 3, where the prospective buyer is admonished to look for the Quick-Connect logo if he/she desires a "stress-free experience at home".
Also on page 5, we see the "Cabrerra", which (based on all the visual cues) is mounted a grand total of four feet above the floor.
On page 8, we see the "Courtney", which looks astoundingly like a vintage 1970's or 1980's fan.
On page 9, we see the "Ansley", which looks solely like one object: a praying mantis. In white, on page 18, it looks far more like a shrew.
On page 10, there is a box which states: "Hand Carved Wooden Blades--Our craftsmen carve contours and veining into each featherwood blade. Hand-stained finishes accentuate the skilled craftsmanship, adding character to the carved blades.". Woah Nellie! First off, the term "craftsmen" is going to piss off many female types--and those types account for quite a chunk of the market of folks who buy fans like this. Secondly, since when does "craftsmen" invoke the image of a factory stuffed full of fast-paced, tired Chinese folks? And...um...I'm guessing that "hand-carved" and "skilled craftsmanship" are being used loosely here--does pressing the buttons on a computerized router count as hand-carving, if the router cuts contours into the blade? I mean, if your hand hadn't pressed the router's buttons...
On page 12, we see this incomprehensible sentence, which rings of social-pressure implications: "Some of our most popular finishes, these designs are at home with your urban lifestyle."
Also on page 12, we see that Home Depot's brilliant marketing staff has invented a new spelling for plasma lights: fluourescent.
And on page 18, "Visions in Vanilla", we see the "Landmark Plus", which apparently "Operates quietly."...is that as opposed to fans which sound like a water buffalo stampede?
On page 19, we are bamboozled by a bold new grammar move, which feels reminiscent of a double-negative: "Includes exclusive Aero Breeze technology...". Wow! I've never seen someone use conjugations of "inclusive" and "exclusive" as the first two words in a sentence.
And on page 20, we see the "Industrial with Wall Mount Remote", which then goes on to contradict itself by [correctly] saying that it has a wired 4-speed wall control. I'd love to see someone hook up a remote to an industrial fan.
On page 21, they pull a trompe l'oeil by reversing the negative of the "Quick Connect"--not only does the blade pitch suddenly look to be about 30 degrees, the fan looks bass-ackwards.
On page 22, we see the "Gazebo Plus", which "can stand up to the elements thanks to its galvanized steel body and blades". Galvanized steel blades? Really?
Also on page 22, there is the "Carlisle", whose zero-degree-pitch blades appear to be already warped and drooping.
On the bottom of page 23, we see the "Nassau", which comes complete with gravity-defying pullchains. They magically hold themselves up and arc away from the fan, as though an invisible larger light kit is hiding there.
On page 31, we see Hunter's "Archive Original"--in white, with white blades--followed by the description which reads "...you choose whether to install 4 or 5 of the reversible light walnut to light cherry blades".
God I love Home Depot...